I knew that I was having a hard time with this pregnancy – I found myself saying things like, “If everything is okay, in a few weeks, then I’ll start sorting and cleaning up the craft room.” And when Gruff told me I should go maternity shopping if I felt like it, I didn’t leap at the chance – I just told him I would, soon. During my last pregnancy, the baby stopped growing at around 8 weeks. Of course, I didn’t know that at the time; I was seeing a midwife who didn’t do routine early ultrasounds. When I started bleeding at 11 weeks, an ’emergency’ ultrasound revealed our baby’s size and explained what was happening. I’m sure that experience is part of the reason I’ve been so anxious this whole week. Even though I’ve been feeling like crap – head hanging in the toilet for my first actual vomitrocious episodes, more nausea than I can shake a stick at, and headaches that make me think a cranial explosion is imminent – I’ve been trying to look at it positively. I wouldn’t be feeling so awful if something had gone wrong, right? Still. It’s hard to be grateful for feeling so awful when you’re still worried that the other shoe will drop, so to speak.
Then when I left the hospital today with my little black-and-white screenshots in my purse, I realized that I was finally feeling truly, unabashedly, unreservedly, excited and happy about this baby. I can make my plans now. I can work on transforming our spare room/craft room into a nursery. I can sort through my maternity clothes and go shopping . I can figure out what we need for this baby and start my registry. I know I might still feel like crap for a few weeks, but at least now there’s an undercurrent of JOY.
And that makes all the difference.
We now return you to your previously scheduled bloggy break.