In which, I let a bad metaphor take over an entire post

Is there some kind of pheromone that goes out every few years, serenading the women I know, causing them to all drift moth-like toward the same flame?

First it was the marriage flame. Admittedly, I was probably the first moth at that particular fire – at the tender age of 21-years-and-two-weeks old – but a huge cadre of my friends and acquaintances followed soon after.

Next, it was the first-baby flame. When I got pregnant with Smooch, I was in good company. No fewer than nine of my close friends (living all over the country) were pregnant at the same time, and we all gave birth within about six months of each other.

And lately? There’s a new pheromone on the breeze. Second babies are happening everywhere I go. Just this morning, a friend emailed a big group of us to apologize for not making it to playgroup the last few weeks – morning sickness is keeping her down. My friend in Connecticut just had her “gender scan” and found out she’s having a girl. Mrs. Chicken just found out she’s having a boy! Everywhere I go, it’s bumps and bellies and babies.

The sad thing is, my pheromone-sensing-moth-flocking apparatus seems to be on the fritz. I want to be fluttering to that flame, gestating it up with the rest of my pals. But it’s not happening. I’m not surprised, really – it took two and half years to get successfully pregnant the first time. I’ve had three miscarriages altogether. For me, there’s two hurdles – the getting knocked up, and then the staying knocked up. Some of you know what I mean. And when you’re in that club, you know that every pregnancy announcement, every ultrasound picture, is a little bit of a punch in the gut. I’m here to testify that it is PERFECTLY POSSIBLE to be over-the-moon thrilled and excited for your friend and simultaneously sad and angry for yourself. I’m doing okay this time, so far. We’ve only been trying for a few months, so the real desperation hasn’t set in yet. I am honestly, truly, really happy for my pregnant friends.

I just want to get back in the club. I want to be a moth at that flame, not some kind of freak ladybug on the outside.

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5 Responses to In which, I let a bad metaphor take over an entire post

  1. Mrs. Chicken says:

    It took me three years to get up the guts to try again. I just wasn’t sure I wanted to add to our family – it seemed ideal as it was.

    It will happen. And I will say a little prayer for you, just for some extra credit.

  2. Coralie says:

    I married very early – just about 20 in fact. And for 11 years I watched my friends marry and have babies and marry and have babies, and have babies and have babies and . . . I was just praying that it would happen to me.

    3 months after our 12 anniversary and a year after a miscarriage, I gave birth to our beautiful daughter.

    So I know. I understand. I haven’t even worked up the courage to want another one, because I don’t know if I can face the heartache of not being pregnant, and the heartbreak of loosing another.

    My friend Terri has lost more babies (4) than she’s had live births (2). I don’t know if I could be that brave. I keep telling my mac we’ll adopt her a little brother. I’m usually not kidding.

  3. Heather says:

    I know that feeling well. It took 2 years to conceive this one. I’d hear of friends being pregnant, then their babies births. I thought it was never going to happen and it got harder and harder to be happy for the others.

    Obviously you know that it finally happened for me. I hope that it does for you too.

    But I know that pain, that bittersweet happiness for others. It sucks.

  4. Michelle says:

    I had two children close together with my first marriage. Then after I remarried, second set of “two” happened within 2 1/2 years of one another. Then I had a miscarriage 2 years after my 4th. Then….nothin’. I figured God meant for me to be done. Then, lo and behold, #5 made her debut 4 years later! On the cusp of my 38th birthday, no less!
    Just don’t get so caught up in the “tryin” that you forget to enjoy yourself. ;0)
    Relax and have a good time…it’ll happen!

  5. Waiting Amy says:

    Well, you know it was a tough road for us. I totally understand the pain of trying and watching others succeed. Or succeeding and then losing. It is not easy.

    Did you have any testing after your miscarriages? There are sometimes reasons for the miscarriages that could be treated to help a future pregnancy succeed. I’m sure you’ve thought of that already. If you ever want to talk more about that stuff, email.

    Hoping things simply fall into place for you and Gruff.

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