Physically – (If you are related to me, male, and/or a little squeamish or sensitive, feel free to skip this section. I don’t mind. Go ahead.) My body seems to be getting back to normal. When I first started bleeding, it wasn’t very heavy or with strong cramps; but the Misoprostol (Cytotec) soon amped up both. The 16th and 17th were the most painful two days of this whole experience. After a day of spotting (and wondering endlessly if that meant the meds didn’t work effectively enough for me), I got out to run a few errands with NewDotBaby and experienced a huge increase in both my bleeding & cramping. Apparently, lying on the couch was signalling my body that we were trying to hold on – hey, it worked all those months when I was having preterm contractions with NDB – but this time, we needed to let go. So I spent the next several days trying to keep to as normal a routine as possible; making myself get out of the house – or at least up and down with normal physical activity while we stayed home.
By the 22nd, I was down to a very light flow and it was time to return to the midwife’s office for another blood draw. My beta number had fallen, so the midwife was pleased with my body’s response to the Cytotec and seemed hopeful that the number would be less than 5 fairly soon. We set an appointment for the 30th to have a hopefully-final blood draw. By the end of the week, I was having just faint staining – if anything at all. Then on Saturday, I started to bleed again. This time, it was old, brownish blood; my limited ob/gyn knowledge makes me think that this is okay, since it’s likely old blood and probably the last bits to be shed. I will bring it up with my midwife tomorrow, though, just to check that having NO bleeding and then starting up again isn’t a problem.
Emotionally – Oh, who can say? Sometimes I’m fine. There is enough to occupy my mind and heart most days (like NDB’s first birthday – fast approaching this Saturday!). The nights seem to be the hardest time for me. I’m usually a Poor Richard kind of girl: “Early to bed & early to rise…” But lately, when I go to bed early, I lay awake and my thoughts rush and race. I usually start crying, and get myself good and worked up. So I’ve been staying up late -for me, at least- until 11:00 or 12:00. That way, when I go to bed, I’m bone-tired and nothing has the power to keep me awake, tossing and turning. On one hand, this coping mechanism is working, since I’m not lying in bed sobbing each night. On the other hand, I’ve started a serious coffee habit back up, since NDB’s bottle needs and early waking times seem to come awfully early and often when I’m not getting as much sleep.
I’ve decided to start taking the mini-pill, after this is all over. I never thought I’d go back to hormonal birth control – NewDotDad and I were very happy with the Fertility Awareness Method for both avoiding & achieving pregnancy, and I felt that it fit in nicely with my recent choices to try to live more naturally. However, I have to admit that charting is hard for me right now (I’m breastfeeding; I’m awake at least once in the middle of the night with NDB) and we are not as… fastidious… about remembering our backup method as we could be. As much as this pregnancy was a beautiful surprise, I feel off-balance. We went so quickly from shock – to acceptance and JOY – to anticipation – to worry and wonder – to grief. It was just SO much to take in the span of a few short months. I think the mini-pill is a good option for us, for several reasons:
-it shouldn’t interfere with my milk supply
-it is 85% effective on its own, and 92-95% effective when breastfeeding (according to my midwife)
-it’s reputed to be easy to use for a short-term option, since the body tends to return to normal cycling more quickly when stopping the pill (as compared to the ‘normal’ oral contraceptive pill)
At the same time, I’m wondering if my need for a feeling of control in this area is a good thing. I wonder if my heart should be more open to trusting God in this domain. I’ve read the testimonies of women who chose to forego birth control out of a belief that God would open or close their womb to children as He saw fit. I’ve read the opinions that hormonal birth control is an abortifacient. I’ve also read the opinions that God has gifted scientists and doctors with knowledge and discoveries to enhance our lives, and that this is just one of those options that is now available to us. I don’t know. Luckily (I suppose) it will probably take my body 6-8 weeks from the time I finally stop bleeding, to have another menstrual period, which would be the soonest I would begin taking the pill. So I have some time to pray and think on this subject a bit further.
Miscellaneous – I tagged this post as another “pregnancy, The Dark Side” post, simply because that’s how I tagged the others on the subject of this loss. But you know what? I’m starting to feel the presence of the Light a little more strongly, so I don’t really think I’m in the midst of the dark side any more. And what a blessing that is.