Sadness

I don’t want to write this post.

I don’t want to tell you about discovering bleeding this morning. I don’t want to describe crying in the shower, while hot beads of water beat down. I don’t want you to picture me lying on my couch, with my pillow and blanket and heating pad, crying and rubbing my belly. I don’t want to recount the conversation I had with my midwife about warning signs that warrant emergency services, and appointments for beta bloodtests to be done next week. I don’t want to remember the last two times that this happened to us, and I don’t want to remember how my body is going to feel as it says goodbye to the new life that I was so longing to meet and hold.

I don’t want to call our families, who were so excited at Christmas to hear our news that NewDotBaby would be a big brother, and tell them that he won’t. I don’t want to look at the new baby book I just bought, because it matched the one we have for NewDotBaby – I don’t want to look at the Little People Nativity set that my mother gave us so that we wouldn’t have sibling squabbles over the one NDB got before the holidays – I don’t want to look at the maternity clothes that are strewn around my room as I’ve been realizing my old clothes have stopped fitting recently.

I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to feel it. I don’t want to deal with it. But I don’t have a choice. I am having a third miscarriage, and my heart is breaking again.

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31 Responses to Sadness

  1. Mrs. Chicken says:

    All I can say is I’m sorry, and I’ll say a prayer for you.

  2. owlhaven says:

    Oh, I’m so so sorry, m’dear…..

    Hugs

    Mary

  3. Diane says:

    Praying that sweet little life is hanging on, so sorry if it’s not.

    Here by way of Mary at Owlhaven.

  4. crickandchas says:

    I am so so sorry for your pain. I have been there twice too and will be praying for you to find comfort and hope.

  5. Goslyn says:

    Oh, I’m so sorry for your loss. Hugs.

  6. PastorMac's Ann says:

    Came by via Mary at Owlhaven. My heart is breaking for you. I’m so very sorry.

  7. cronomorph says:

    …dang… I don’t really know what to say other than I’m praying for you. I won’t say anything about it to family, since it’s not my place to do so and you probably don’t really want to talk about to the family at large yet. I can’t begin to imagine what you’re feeling right now.
    Love ya sis.

  8. Kili @ Live Each Moment says:

    I found you through Owlhaven. I am so sorry. Praying for you

  9. Erin says:

    Pausing to pray.
    I’m so sorry.

  10. Heidi says:

    I am so sorry for your loss.

    I went through a miscarriage in Sept. and will keep you in our prayers.

    I’m here via Mary too.

  11. An Ordinary Mom says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. I wish there was more I could do for you. I have suffered through 4 myself and it truly is the dark side. I will keep you in my prayers!

  12. Barb says:

    I’m here by way of Mary, too. I’m so, so sorry. You’ll be in my prayers.

  13. Kristin says:

    I’m so sorry.
    You & your family will be in my thoughts.

  14. Magi says:

    I am so sorry. You and your family will be in my thoughts.

  15. Kelli in the Mirror says:

    I’m so sorry. Praying for you.

    Here from mary also.

  16. ForUsThreeGirls says:

    There are no words I could say to make things “better”…just know a “stranger” is praying for you…

    ~tonya
    http://www.thereisaseason.net

  17. Sheila in Seattle says:

    I found you through Owlhaven.

    I’m so sorry to hear your news. Please take care. I’ll say a prayer for you.

  18. Linds says:

    I am here from Mary too, and I am so so sorry. Sending you a huge hug.

  19. Toni says:

    I am so sorry, you are in my prayers-

    Owlhaven directed me….

  20. Robbin says:

    I’ve been there :(. Praying for you!!
    Robbin
    here from owlhaven

  21. Rocks In My Dryer says:

    I’m so very sorry–I’ve had two miscarriages myself (and four healthy babies), and I so understand the grief and intense disappointment.

    Praying for you.

  22. Beth says:

    Been there, know some of what you’re feeling. Sending cyber-hugs and prayers. Got here via Owlhaven.

  23. Peach says:

    Came to visit from Mary. Know I will be praying for God to be very present with you as you go through this loss. I am so sorry.

  24. kj says:

    Came to you via Mary at Owlhaven. I am so sorry to hear your news. Sending you love and hugs from England.
    Love Kaje

  25. Love Bears All Things says:

    So, Sorry. Hugs!

  26. The Wooden Porch says:

    My heart breaks for you. I’m a complete stranger, I’ve never heard of your blog until I read Owlhaven’s post just now, but I am a mother, and I have been right there where you are now. Nothing rips your heart out like the loss of your sweet baby. From woman to woman, here’s a {{hug}} and a prayer for you.

    Dear Lord, May you give your comfort and peace to this family. May you bless this womb and make it fruitful once again. Amen.

  27. kyouell says:

    I too am here from the link on Owlhaven. I hope that these hugs and prayers from strangers bring you some measure of comfort. I’m pregnant now myself and spend most of my days worrying that I will have a second child with Down syndrome… and then I’ll have a bleeding day. Nothing too much, just enough to make me stop and, well, beg God more than really pray. I so wish that there was more I could do, but putting you in my prayers seems to be what you need.

  28. momteacherfriend says:

    Lord I lift newdotmom up to you. Lord I pray that you be with her during this time of great loss. I pray that you would surround her with you perfect peace. Hold her in your arms these coming days and may she know your presence. I pray for her that you would guide every conversation that will take place. As she tells those close to her, let them come beside her and show their love and support. Let there be provision. Meals prepared. Hugs and hands to hold. Let there be listening ears. Lord we know she is grieving. We know you are near those that mourn. I pray Lord that you would turn her mourning into dancing and her sorrow into joy. I pray that you would heal her womb and that you would bring forth a little one that will thrive and come forth into this world. Bless her womb Lord. Touch it that it may conceive. Lord we know that there will be a time of healing. We also know that you are a God of life. We thank you and praise you Lord in all things. Bring strength for the coming days. In Jesus Name Amen.

  29. Solomon & Malachi says:

    There’s nothing I can even say that will make it better for you. Just please remember to come up for air occasionally – your son needs his Mommy. Hold him while you cry and pray. It will help. A little.

  30. Amy says:

    ((HUGS)) to you!

    I’m so sorry for your loss.

    [also visiting from Owlhaven]

  31. […] Did you suffer illness or injury? Yes, both physical and […]

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